User blog comment:Laria Wavedeep/Redwall's Taggerung/@comment-1988904-20100421153432

I've just finished chapter 7. All your characters are so engaging! I like how you've incorporated a couple woodlanders into the Juska tribe and how Dayl had made friends with a ferret -- funny how both of our characters are friends with ferrets!

One thing that could help with your writing style is to try varying your sentence structure and to add more description so we can get a better picture in our head of the setting and what's going on. A lot of your sentences are just Subject Verb, try using other things too, like Prepositional Phrase, Subject Verb, just to make things interesting.

''The Juskamor had wandered back to the ford. They arrived when it was twilight, and they set up tents. Some started fishing for any dace or trout by the river bank. Others went foraging for berries and edible roots, and any herbs they could find. Sitting in one part of the camp were two squirrels, chained to an oak. They sat there slumped, unconscious. One was a small squirrelbabe, a Dibbun. The other was a young squirrelmaid. Dayl presumed that the squirrelmaid was the sister of the younger one, though he felt sorry for them. Suddenly the squirrelmaid came to and clasped her paws to her head, moaning and groaning pitifully.''

The Juskamor had wandered back to the ford. Arriving as the first stars of night began twinking in the horizon, they busied about setting up their tents and fishing for dace and trout for suppper. Others tried their luck foraging for berries and edible roots -- whatever plants they could hope to find -- to toss together a meager dinner.

Huddled together completely separate from the Juskamor sat two sad young squirrels chained to an oak. They sat there slumped and unconscious. One was' only a babe, what the redwallers would have considered a Dibbun,' and the other was a'' squirrelmaid, several seasons out of her dibbunhood. Presuming them to be brother and sister, Dayl felt a shred of pity for the youngsters. The squirrelmaid regained consciousness suddenly, clasping her paws to her head, and moaning pitifully.

Well onward to the next chapters.