User blog comment:TheMoleOfTheLongPatrol/1st Chapter of Lumetriss/@comment-1399757-20120313014711

My opinion is very much similar to the others. You definitely have a plot going but you need to add more to it. Kind of like a cheese-burger, you need the buns, a burger, and cheese. The buns are clearly there, ready to encompass the other ingredients but the meat & cheese are nearly nonexistent at this point. Put more detail in - it's a spring day outside, but what does it look like? Is it in the forest? a field? Castle? Mountain? How does the air feel? What do the vermin look like? What are their names? Stuff like that. Keep it up! d>.^