User blog:Selound/Kalza's Random Redwall tale: Part one

On a warm summer's night, deep in Mossflower woods, a masked fox skipped happily down the dusty road. His dark blue, torn, and dirty cloak waved up and down with every merry skip. His dusty pink and indigo mask was sucking in and out with every cheerful breath he took. He grinned oafishly as he merrily skipped: ignoring the fact that he could fall over from happy-stroke.

He sang in a singsong voice as he ventured on, "A fox who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day!" Although; the fact that he could go for a few singing lessons, he still continued his happy tune. "Ha-ha-ho-ho-ho, I'm the smartest being alive of all: heck, I'm smarter than a potato" he giggled.

Ever since he "magically" escaped from Malkariss's kingdom, he felt way giddier than ever. Oh yes, Slagar the magical fox ... not likely.

A little red and orange butterfly landed on Slagar's covered nose. Feeling rather over powered, Slagar snorted the little insect off his nose. "Ha-ha, stupid insect, when I'm done with you, you'll need faster wings" Slagar said, smiling wickedly. The little butterfly then fluttered sadly away.

Slagar chortled in his triumph over the bug. Foolish creature indeed. Well, Slagar then continued his little happy trip down the road for no reason.

All that went through Slagar's twisted mind, was Threeclaws dressed as a monkey, banging cymbals. Slagar grinned and closed his eyes and started singing again.

Who's in the forest skipping? The birds and the bees sing Chickenhound The rains are not dripping For Chickypoo is around

Let's face it ... the fox has been drinking one to many.

Slagar continued this single verse for one hour until a shocking event happened. Slagar's eyes grew wide for he saw two glowing orbs heading towards him in maximum speed. He froze in place with jaw wide open. Within a split second, everything in Slagar's world went completely black. He landed hard on the ground with the lower half of his body under a big black van. The last thing he saw was the many sparrows circling his head. Then he fainted.



WHAT SLAGAR DREMT WHILE UNCONSCIOUS

Slagar sat in the driver's seat of an old motor home. He was really focused on his driving, especially since he had never really had any sleep. His tired eyes stayed fixed on the night road. His pointy ears twisted as he listened to the reports on the radio.

He grinned slyly as he heard the reports of his latest victory. He turned up the radio to drown out the cries of the captured mouse that pounded at the back of his seat. The mouse cried and wept in fear and hatred. "You monster, my father would have killed you if he didn't listen to your lie, you devil!!" the mouse cried growing tired.

Slagar made an abrupt stop on a nearby cliff, away from society. He got up then walked over to where the young mouse sat. The mouse's paws clenched and quivered with pure hatred.

Slagar grinned slyly at the mouse. He chuckled wickedly, "Listen mate, I don't wanna hurt you. It's just that that old mouse was getting in the way of our team, Mattimeo."

Mattimeo spat at Slagar's footpaws. "I ain't no friend of yours, neither are we a team, scum" Mattimeo barked with tears springing from his eyes.

Slagar chuckled dryly. He paced around the young mouse. "Heh, aww you hurt my feelings" the insane fox sniggered sarcastically.

Mattimeo was about to trip Slagar, but Slagar nimbly avoided the mouse's foot. He knelt down face to face with the mouse. Mattimeo curled his nose in disgust at the fox's putrid odor. Slagar reeked of smoke, alcohol, rotting flesh, and many other repulsive smells.

When Slagar grinned, he always revealed two rows of yellowed, unhealthy, and sharp teeth. His breath was ragged and hoarse, "Don't be frightened, we'll always have each other to comfort, won't we Matti."

Mattimeo rendered speechless. He didn't want to respond. Slagar gently grabbed hold of Mattimeo's lower jaw, "You and I will win."



SLAGAR AWAKES NOW

A flash of light glowed in Slagar's mind: before the weird dream finished. Slagar could hear faint voices in the distance. A blurry figure of a vixen was slowly becoming clear however; Slagar could not make out with what she was saying. Well, whatever it was it sounded urgent.

It was all became clear in Slagar's mind, the vixen was a healer. After slowly waking up, Slagar meekly held out a paw. In a faded whisper, he spoke, "M-mother, is that you?"

The vixen chuckled slightly. "No, my dear, now stay calm" she said, gently placing a pillow under Slagar's head.

Slagar groaned in agony. Now the figures became clear. Slagar's eyes went wide after a large, male, brown rat wearing a red-violet tunic approached the scene. "How is he, doc?" the rat asked the vixen healer.

The vixen placed a paw on Slagar's forehead. "Poor fox, he suffered from major brain damage. He's lucky that you didn't kill him with that van of yours" she said sternly to the rat.

The rat sniffed in mock displeasure, "Well one, he's always had brain damage. Two, it's hard to drive when you're not driving a four-wheeler. Three, I have horrible depth-reception." He pointed a claw at the eye patch that covered his left eye.

The vixen fiddled with the fringe of her dress. "Well, if you weren't so careless, you would've stopped and waited for him to pass, rat!" she growled.

The rat was really losing his temper now. "How the heck am I supposed to stop when the brakes on this tin can doesn't obey its master?!"

"Well, if you had it fixed properly, we wouldn't be in this mess."

"How was I supposed to know that the mechanic was a fake?"

"You should've checked on Minkipedia, one eye!"

"There isn't any Wi-fi in this part of Mossflower, plus my iTATO laptop broke, bush tail"

"*gasp* bush tail yerself, bell bottom!"

"I'll show you bell bottom, snipe nose!"

"Snipe nose? Why you little pest!"

"I ain't no pest, fleabag!!"

"You're covered in more fleas than me, dirt bag!"

"At least I take my showers, mud magnet!"

"Pfft bull, you don't even use soap, chicken!"

"I do use soap, skunk breath!"

"Hey some of my best friends are skunks, rotten grog!"

"Whabababu you take that back, drug dealer!"

"They aren't drugs, they're herbs, hairball!"

"That's it; you're so dead, fox-witch!!"

"I say but, where's my mask, wot?" Slagar said to stop the argument. The two froze instantly. They were dumbfounded by the way Slagar spoke.

The vixen re-approached Slagar. "Uh, why did you speak like a hare?" she asked.

Slagar gave a small awkward laugh, "Whoa-ho, because I am a hare, dontcha know!" The rat and the vixen stared at each other while the maddened fox laughed gleefully.

The rat bent over to say a few whispered words in the vixen's ear. After nodding in agreement, the vixen gave Slagar his mask back. She bowed her head politely to Slagar. "Pardon me for my rude words from earlier, but I don't think we've properly introduced. My name's Fortunata, and this is Cluny the Scourge" she said smiling in a friendly way.

Cluny waved a few fingers cheerfully. "Hello Slagar, remember me?" Cluny asked, shaking Slagar's paw happily. An awkward silence broke out between the three, only Cluny kept smiling.

Slagar's eyes grew wide. He slowly stood up. Cluny's expression faded into a scared frown. He threw his paws over his face: thinking Slagar would hurt him for killing his mother.

Slagar raised a paw. Cluny whimpered in fear and closed his eye shut. He then noticed something odd; Slagar was patting him gently on the back like an old friend. "Oh indeed I do, Cluny. How's me ole pal doin, wot?" Slagar laughed joyfully.

Cluny blushed bright pink. Slagar was treating him like they knew each other for many years. Cluny chuckled nervously, "Uh fine mate, you?" Before Slagar could reply, a red rat in a pink dress leaped gracefully out of the van.

He landed right at the feet of Cluny. The three stood dumbfounded at the red rat. Cluny slapped a paw on his face and shook his head shamefully. The red rat strolled daintily towards Slagar. He grabbed the edges of his dress then curtsied politely to the fox.

When he spoke, he sounded like a teenage boy going through a voice change (think Ritsu from Fruits Basket). "Good day to you sir, I'm glad that you're okay" he said closing his eyes.

Slagar was about to answer but Cluny cut him off. "Redtooth you idiot!! You know that wearing a dress in public could ruin your reputation!" Cluny yelled smacking the back of Redtooth's head.

Redtooth wiped some eyeliner off his eyebrow. "Aww chief, but cross-dressing makes me feel beautiful" he whimpered. A small tear dripped off his whiskers. He took out a pink handkerchief with white-colored lace on it, and wiped his eyes daintily.

Cluny rolled his single eye. He then snatched the pink cloth away from Redtooth. Hastily, he stuffed it in his belt. He looked at the odd rat with a disgusted face (the kind of face Cluny makes when someone mentions vegetables).

Redtooth grinned sheepishly as Cluny waved his whip-like tail dangerously. Redtooth then down to avoid Cluny's deadly stare.

"Listen Redtooth--" Cluny began, "you can wear dresses at the Rat-scouts meetings, but not here. Understand?" Cluny's voice softened a bit. Good news for the cross-dresser. Redtooth nodded franticly then pranced back into the van.

Cluny smiled as the odd rat entered the van. He turned his head. His entire body and facial expressions changed. He stood in horror at the horrible sight. There, sitting in the grass was Slagar and Fortunata having a tea party... without him.

Feeling quite left out, he folded his arms then stomped his foot sternly. The two foxes looked up at him with silly expressions on their faces. Slagar smiled from ear to ear. "Ah there you are Cluny my fair chap. Would you care for some orange spice tea?" Slagar asked, holding out a cup of tea for Cluny.

Not wanting to seem like a pansy or some kind of school girl, Cluny rudely pushed the cup away from him. The tea splashed onto Slagar's footpaw, but he didn't mind. "I don't want yer nasty dishwater! I was just waiting for you guys to get back on track, you fools!" Cluny yelled, causing Slagar to cover his ears.

Fortunata stood up then placed a friendly paw on Cluny's shoulder. She grinned oafishly. "Cluny, Cluny, Cluny. Whatever shall we do for you to make you happy?" she giggled.

Cluny thought about this for a moment, and then broke down into a crybaby sob. Slagar shook his head in grief. "Tut, tut, why does the great warlord Cluny sob to a simple question, wot" he piped up.

Cluny brushed tears from his single eye. "Oh it's just that the thing I want the most is--"

"Redwall?" Redtooth interrupted from inside the van. Without looking, Cluny threw a rock at the cross-dresser. The rock hit him right in the "happy place." Redtooth fell over sobbing pathetically.

Cluny wiped snot from his nose then calmed down a little bit. "I always wanted... A FURBY!" he cried. The foxes stared at the one-eyed rat. After five minutes of total silence, the foxes busted out laughing.

Cluny turned cherry-red from embarrassment. He was about to knock the two foxes heads together when a voice called out, "Well the truth comes out."

The three froze. They searched around franticly to find out where this creepy voice came from. Suddenly, a male black rat with glowing red eyes appeared from behind a nearby tree. It was very difficult to see him in the darkness of the night.

He brushed some dried leaves off his charcoal-black kimono (which he wore very sloppily). He smiled and chuckled softly. "Well, now Cluny, I've say you made quite a few new friends" he said.

Cluny smiled ear to ear. Fortunata and Slagar just sat dumbfounded by the mysterious rat in a Japanese garment. Cluny ran up to him and gave him a huge man hug. "Shadow my ole friend! I haven't seen you since Redwall season one!" Cluny squealed, hugging Shadow tighter.

Shadow wriggled himself free of Cluny's suffocating hug. He chuckled fondly and patted Cluny on the back. "Yes, it has been a long time. Twelve years already? Man time sure flies by" he said to his old friend.

Shadow then turned his attention to Redtooth, who made a complete recovery from Cluny's rock. Shadow grinned thoughtfully. "Well, well, well, if that isn't a rat wearing drag. I must say, what have you guys been doing since I died?" Shadow asked scratching his chin.

Cluny sat down on a log a related everything from the time that Shadow died, to episode thirteen; 'The Final Conflict.'

Shadow grew very interested as Cluny told his heroic adventures at Redwall Abbey. Slagar and Fortunata grew too bored listening to the rat warlord talk, so they played Uno instead of listening.

After many hours past, and many games played, they were finally back on track. Cluny looked a Shadow curiously. "Shadow, why are you wearing that robe?"

Shadow looked at Cluny for a second then cleared his throat. "Oh this? I'm no longer a thief anymore. I'm a novelist."

Slagar dropped the tea tray on hard forest floor with shock. "You're a novelist?!" Slagar yelped as the tea set crashed down. Fortunata grunted in anger for Slagar breaking her tea set.

Shadow smiled cheerfully. "Yes," he answered.

"What kind of novels?" Slagar asked growing very interested. Fortunata mumbled to her-self when she picked up the broken pieces of her tea set.

Shadow sat down next to Cluny. He pulled out a book from one of his wide sleeves. "I write these" he said holding out a romance novel. Everybeasts was shocked at the rat's writing material. The title read, "The lovers' midnight secrets."

"Oops" Shadow laughed sheepishly as he quickly set the book aside and pulled out a different book. "That one was just for fun, here's my real work."

Everyone was still in disbelief of the rat's new hobby. Shadow then turned his attention towards the van. "What's that?" he asked.

Cluny sighed in relief that somebeast noticed the strange thing. "Oh that, um well, it all started this morning--"



CLUNY'S VAN STORY

Cluny stretched and rubbed the drowsiness from his eye as he woke up. "Ahh what a beautiful morning" he sighed listening to the birds singing. He got out of bed then walked out of his room (he sleeps in his clothes).

He slid down on the stair railings and plopped down on a big couch. He set his footpaws on the table and sighed in sat