User blog comment:Segalia/Segalia Riverstorm's voyage/@comment-5156759-20131130194407

Sorry for getting to this so late, I took quite a bit of a break from Redwall and have had trouble getting back into it for a long time. I've read up to the 9th chapter so far, and I do like it, but there are things I feel you can improve. I do think that you've evolved a lot as a writer since writing this, so you probably have already addressed what criticisms I have in your current/future pieces. Nonetheless:

I felt you could use more detail and clarification, especially in terms of setting, as it is often difficult to tell where the characters are for several paragraphs at a time. More exposition in each scene would be nice, as some of the action feels a bit rushed and transitions too quick. It's like you don't squeeze out all of the potential from the scenes you do very well to create. Also, the featuring of users/essays from the wiki, while cool, felt a bit forced and I feel could have been more subtly slipped in.

I did really like the concept of "the statistician", really cool idea with that, both the term you chose to call her and the idea in general is great. The villains themselves are cool as well, I like the main one's intelligence and composure, something rarely seen in Redwall villains. His wife is also quite an interesting character, although I do feel she was again hurt by the lack of exposition.

The Redwallers aren't that memorable of characters so far, while good, they don't bring anything really new to the table. I do like Segalia and her friends quite a bit, the banter between them is one of the strongest points of your story and really funny. I am also intrigued by the badger in the woods, her past seems quite interesting. However, all of them could use more characterization and exposition but the foundations are certainly there.

Overall, I feel that the ideas and basis are certainly there, but there could certainly be improvement. I feel if you rewrote it now with you being the writer you currently are, this fan fiction could be one of the best ever as opposed to the great one it is now.