User blog comment:Hyena42/The Warlord Guide, What and What NOT To Do For the Aspiring Conqueror/@comment-1479469-20100524050127

Personally, I've always thought that if I were attacking Redwall, I would operate using the following list - feel free to use some of them if you like.

1. I will prepare and train a good army. I will also bring along siege equipment if possible, failing that build it on site. A catapult would be best.

2. If I ever sustain a casualty rate above 50%, I will cut my losses and leave. Part of being a successful warlord is knowing when to draw the line.

3. I will order my troops to kill any hares they see on sight.

4. I will attempt to assassinate at least one major target BEFORE I launch my assault, in order to damage resistance co-ordination and sap morale.

5. When I move out for the attack, I will arrive in force and immediately launch a full-scale assault (after getting my troops organized, of course) without giving any warning at all. Hopefully I will catch them by surprise and carry the day. If not, I will try to make off with hostages.

6. If the attack fails and I have hostages, I will immediately demand the abbey surrender. If they don't surrender, I will immediately execute all of the hostages and make sure they know I did it somehow (head on a stake, send over their personal effects etc.). That way, they'll know I'm serious. Plus, if they didn't surrender, there's no point keeping hostages around and asking for a rescue attempt that will humiliate me.

7. I will if all of the above fails use my catapults (see #1) to bombard the abbey. Fire will work best, but rocks will also do. Because nothing's scarier than a giant rock coming down at you, and anything that lowers their morale is good. I will also try to obtain a diseased carcass of some sort and shoot it over the wall. Biological warfare can never hurt, and it also doesn't trash the place you're trying to take over as much - though you may have to fumigate.

8. If despite my efforts some hares get to the abbey, I will seriously consider leaving right then and there.

9. If my forces are getting completely curbstomped, I will fly the white flag and surrender. The Redwallers will be so totally thrown off-guard that I should be able to steamroll them. If they don't buy it, at least I can leave with my dignity, and it's better then ending up dead.

10. I will occasionally listen to my captains' advice, and I will not kill them unless I really, really have to.

11. If it comes down to a duel between myself and the Abbey Warrior, I will fight honourably and not ask my crew to try and jump him. That never works, and it just turns into a melee.

12. I will instruct my archers to use poison arrows.

13. I will not try to steal the tapestry of Martin. It never works - that damned Fox was just lucky, and a fat lot of good it did HIM. I might consider hitting it with a fire arrow or something.

14. If I lose more than six battles in a row, I will seriously consider withdrawing.

15. In raids on the abbey, I will attempt to get troops into either the Infirmary, the Gatehouse, or the Nursery. If they get into the infirmary, they will steal or destroy as many medical supplies as possible. If they get into the gatehouse, they will open the gates and then smash the opening mechanism. If they get into the nursery, they can kidnap the Dibbuns - and after #6, they'll know I'm serious when I tell them they'd better surrender for their kids' sakes.

16. I will do everything on Hyena42's list, exempting anything that contradicts things I've just mentioned in THIS list. I will also send Hyena42 a congratulatory widget after taking over the abbey.