User blog:Brockfang/The Vermin Letters

So I had this marvelous idea to do a spinoff of C.S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters for Redwall. So I'm starting out with the vermin and having a fictitious character write a series of letters to a main vermin character of each book. The first shall be Salamandastron.

Lentwhisker to Klitch
My dearest Klitch, It surprised me to hear that you, my hated favorite nephew, were making friends with a stripedog and a rabbit. The only words I can think to write are “Are you a vermin?” My sources of information tell me that you are also leaving your father’s army of corpsemakers. Maybe in this letter I can try to force you back into line. You are vermin. The only good stripedog is a slave. The only good rabbit is a dead one. I think it would be wise for you to stay with your father until you can get a horde of your own and not try to become a goodbeast. Else I shall have to tell Ferahgo. Lentwhisker

Clever Klitch, Now I see why you were messing about with those rabbits and stripedogs. It was very cunning of you to use the emotions of a young one to let you inside the fortress. As to you being vermin, I didn’t understand, you see? I have no wish to be sought out by your father. Or his corpsemakers for that matter, they would make quicker work of me than of that badger he killed in the Southwest lands. Since you now know the strength and weapons of the place, I suggest you attack it all out. Try a pincer movement around the mountain to stop them from running away. Lentwhisker

O handsome Klitch, The pincer didn’t work? Neither did a show of force? These stripedogs and their honor. Well all is well here in the north with me. Nary an uprising in this land of slaves. As to your question on whether I have any advice, I suggest you look for any old entrances. Kitchen doors or anything that’s been blocked. Shell fragments, garbage and pottery in the sand, combined with mismatching rock layers will show you where an old entrance was. If that doesn’t work, I will send you my most trusted poisoner. Lentwhisker

Klitch, The ravens bring news of a ghost badger in the south. Be wary of your troops for they say he is on the move. I’m glad you found an entrance and it’s such a shame your father was near killed, if you know what I mean. Did my poisoner reach you yet? He is the best of the northlands and if he fails to let you gain entrance to the mountain I will personal throw him to the fishes. Send me news of your success in taking the mountain in your next letter. My ravens will be sure to aid you as needed. Lentwhisker

Fool of a nephew, How could you let your prisoners escape. Using seaweed for rope and trying to drown them was the most nutbrained thing you could ever have done. Now they’ll go to find help and your chances of taking the mountain will be dashed. Tell your father that if he wants to take that mountin he must do it now. The ghost badger is heading towards the mountain, say the ravens. He has an army of shrews and a squirrel with a magic sword. Your father must hurry. Lentwhisker P.S. My old scribe spilled a bottle of ink and is no longer writing for me. My new one cannot sign my name properly either so if he doesn’t start soon He may no longer be working either.

Klitch, Look southward and ready your troops. Ghost badger. Lentwhisker