User blog comment:CopperJaw/Why is IronBuck so messed up?/@comment-1479469-20100530161302

With all due respect, this is unreadable. You need to put in paragraphs and better punctuation, otherwise the story's basically impossible for anyone to follow.

Also, it seems like you're switching from third-person to first-person narrative in the middle of the story, which is inconsistent - make sure to correct that.