User blog comment:Nitram the Warrior/Phantome Chronicles: Embodiment/@comment-1630956-20110202011526

Muahaha! I be your worst nightmare! THE GRAMMAR MONSTER!!!!

Now, before I launch into all the things you can do clean your story up, let me say a few things. Unless you're a professor of English, you can expect to make some mistakes. There have been stories that I have stopped reading because the grammar was so bad. (no, not on here) Yours is not one of those. You have great talent as a wordsmith, and all you need to do is clean up your spelling and grammar mistakes. You start off great, capturing the reader's attention and holding it until the very end of the prologue. I say to the end of the prologue not because the beginning of the first chapter is boring, but becuase there is only one paragraph in it, so the reader never fully gets into the story. Don't stop just because I have an long list of errors that need adressing, that's basically what we as the readers are here for. To read, enjoy, and ultimately make you even better. Now, fix these and get on with the next chapter. Update me if you are doing an update list!

Anyway, here's a few errors that I caught:

At it's center lay an Island, and at the center of that Island stood a formidable castle. it's...that is probably the most common mistake made in the English language. Unless you want "it is" you do not use an apostraphe.

Two creatures exited and ran away from it, as if it where a dream they like to escape. as if it were a dream they'd like to escape.

They ran towards the nearest cliff side, which a dock at the botton. which had a dock at the bottom (possibly?)

The youngest creature, a fox with an odd silver fur color turned her head towards the other creature.  You began to describe the youngest creature, so there should be commas framing the description, so the second one should come after 'color'.

"How much more" She asked punctuation! we have question marks for a reason! Use them!

''The elder, also odd silver furred, fox turned his toward his daughter and exclaimed. " Almost there, just keep running."'' Now, you almost got the commas right, the one after 'furred' should actually be after 'fox'. Also, when you used the word 'excalimed', that was your cue to use one of these --> ! after what he said.

''As they reached the docks, a soft footsteps noise was caught by the elders keen ears. He cursed under his breath and directed his daughter to climb down. She obliged without argument.'' 'a soft footsteps'...that should be either 'a soft footstep' or 'soft footsteps' because right now you've denoted it as both pluarl and singular. Also, 'elders' should have an apostraphe because they are the elder's ears.

"What about the others" She argued Once again, question mark.

''It pains me to say this" He said while clutching his heart, and through gritted teeth. "But it is already too late for them.When she was almost at the bottom, he Looked behind him, he saw the rat guards approaching, spears at the ready. With a determined expression he said. "Go, get in the boat and paddle with all your migth."'' At the beginning of this paragraph you forgot the quotation marks, and after 'this' there should be a comma because you are going to come back to what he's saying. After 'too late for them.' you just forgot to space, nothing big there. Also 'Looked' shouldn't be capitalised, but that was probably a slip of your fingers. Last thing, 'migth' is spelled 'might'.

"But what about you" She wailed with tears in her eyes. Heehee, I believe you know what I want to say for that.

The elder fox didn't answers 'answer', singular

Right leg front and crouched, left leg back and stretched; right arm outreached out front, left arm outstretched by the side, making the poleaxe seem like and extension of his paw. Hmm, very nice description, however 'crouched' usually implies the entire body, so 'bent' would be a better word here. Hmm...I was going to say that outreached wasn't a word, but i'm wrong there, so that's good. Perhaps to make things a little smoother his left arm could be outstreached by 'his' side, instead of 'the' side.

He avoided most blows of the rats spears, leaving him with barely any injury when they suddenly stopped death. suddenly stopped 'dead' not death.

''"Well, me dear?" Said the newcomer, another female fox, furred y the same odd silver.'' Unless it is meant to be an accent, me should be my. From the sound of the character though, it seems like she would say 'my'. I'm not sure exactly what the 'y' is supposed to be, but you can fix that.

''"Well, me dear Altu. What a surprised seeing you here." no creature didn't said a thing as she continued speaking.'' Again, my seems more consistant with what i've heard from this character so far than me, but you've written the character so maybe i'm wrong. 'Surprised' should be 'surprise'. And then...you have a double negative. If you are sticking mostly to Redwall lingo, 'Nobeast' would be used in place of 'no creature' and 'didn't'' would be completely removed from the sentence.

''A deathly silence followed. Which was only broken by the squawks of the magpies overhead.'' These would work best combined as "A deathly silence followed, only broken by the squaks of the magpies overhead."

"No matter, did you really believed you could steal away one of my children without notice" That is a question, you know what to do.

"I was hoping to" Period, 'nuff said.

She took no notice of them You forgot the period.

''ALtu's paw began to shine with strange symbols. "Ha, don't make me laugh" thought is face showed no sing of mirth. "Don't you dare talk to my daughter like that Silth". Silth's face betrayed a hint of fear, but she remained unmoved as she drew a knife.'' Well, the beginning has the first two letters of Altu's name capitalized. Also after 'Ha, don't make me laugh' there should be a period, then you should continue on with 'He said, though his face showed no sign of mirth.' That also covers the misspelling of mirth.

As the shied from Altu's paw faded, I think you meant to use 'shine' instead of 'shied'.

Her expresion was dazzling and her smile stare with longing at the enormous lake. And her smile what? There should be an adjective after that.