User blog comment:Asria Wildlough/Asria Wildlough/@comment-1630956-20100426214559

Like Arrowtail said, it's moving a little fast. Try to slow down the events. For instance, instead of just saying ''Each of them went off to do what they needed to do. As it happened, they were allowed to go out and rescue Heetic’s slaves. '' follow one of the characters and tell what they saw on the way to find Skipper or Tiria. Maybe let them have a little trouble convincing Skipper/Tiria to let them go. Record the dialogue. Doing things like that will make your story a more entertaining read, and hold the reader's attention better.

Oh, and another thing. When Mandoral marches out of Salamandastron at the head of the Long Patrol, he begins racing toward his enemy. Strategically, it would be a better idea for him to wait for the vermin to come close and then attack, so the vermin are winded from running but the hares are still fresh. But of course it's your preference.

That was alot, sorry if it seems like i'm being overly critical, every once in awhile I take more time to read a story over than usual. Keep on writing!