User blog comment:Laria Wavedeep/The Son Of A Warrior/@comment-1988904-20100421193345

Great beginning. The prolougue does a really good job of setting the scene and the tone. Can't wait to find out what and who that figure spying on the bankvole was. It sure seems mysterious.

Note: With your dialogue, the description and actions that take place before or after the dialogue should be performed by the speaker. If they're not, but them on a different line. Sorry about the nitty gritty. Let me know if I'm being too critical. I'm just trying to help make this wonderful story ever better!

And if you don't mind, I'd like to show you my version of the prologue, just to get an idea about varying sentence length and structure and adding description. You'll probably notice that I left a great deal of your prose completely intact:

The night was dark and moonless. The only sound that seemed to pierce the heavy silence was that of the leaves rustling in the breeze. The air itself seemed to be filled with some sort of uneasy feeling.

A bankvole scurried along. His paws barely made a sound on the soft loam as his hooded figure weaved in and out of the trees. A breeze came, making the trees look as if they were dancing.

Stopping suddenly because of a strange twisting feeling in his gut, the bankvole lifted his head and looked around. Something was not right. While standing perfectly still, he sniffed the air and became evermore conscious of the wave of cautiousness that had fallen over him.

When it seemed like the presence of evil had finally lifted, he began to walk home, quickly and silently. He let out as heavy sigh of relief as he reached his home, a cozy little knot in the tree whose entrance he had covered with bushes. Down the tunnel he went, the fur on his neck rising. He didn’t spare a single look backwards until he reached his door. Opening it, he went inside and took off his coat with a shudder of relief. He now warmed his paws by the fire, trying to stop his paws from shaking.

He had felt as if he had been followed! Finally dismissing it as a figment of his overactive imagination, he curled up and fell asleep.

Outside, the wind had stopped. A pair of glowing eyes watched the hidden entrance to the bankvole's home. Rising slowly from behind the bush where it had been watching the bankvole, it turned and walked back the way the bankvole had come. Veering off, it disappeared into the consuming blackness of the night.