User blog comment:Lordsunflash/Corbus Quick-blade/@comment-1630956-20100917014809

Some comments now that i've spen three days looking through ch 1-8.

You need to work on grammar, you forget punctuation at the end of sentences frequently, and it reads flat if you don't have question marks and such to denote voice inflection. Run-on sentences. Don't go overboard on the commas. It's alright to have a sentence that isn't fifteen words long. Commas in correct places: here's a trick, read the sentence out loud, well, more recite it out loud, not looking at the words. Where do you pause? Chances are there should be a comma there. An example is after you start a sentence with "well". There's a natural pause after it.

Finally, the characters talk too formally. It's not a bad thing to have one, or even a couple, of characters speak formally, but you should mess around with some of the character's speach. That's what makes the Redwall books so interesting, the hares use their wotwots and blinkin' flippin' barrack lingo, and the otters skip the "g"s on the ends of their "ings" and use "yore" instead of "you're" and "your". Borderlanders use "ye" instead of "you". It all adds up to dialogue that is as colorful in accents as it is in description.

Now for the things you did well. It's a great plot, and I like how you tied in Sawney's stomach issues. There's a few problems if you wanted this to fit in exactly with the Taggerung, but that's not important. I enjoyed the Gaul-hare, it was a suprising change, as well as the port. You worked a little of Corbus's history in the dialogue in ch. seven, and it did well in informing the reader about their history, as well as providing some humor. You suprised me when Zann ran away, I was expecting the entire story to be about his attack on the abbey, and it was nice to see you diverge from that plotline.

All in all, KIC, and i'll be looking forward to reading.