User blog comment:SlagartheCruelOne/Doomer/@comment-3462718-20130418134706

Good start for your first fanfic. The plot is engaging and the grammar, minus a few mistakes, is fairly well done. Update me when you get some more!

As to criticism, my main tip would be ADD DETAILS. We seemed to have joined the story with no idea of who is who, who is where, or what is going on. In literary terms this is called in medias res, or "enter in the middle"; it works OK for short stories and vingettes but when you're doing a fan fiction it doesn't always work very well.