User blog comment:Ferretmaiden/Folgrims Past/@comment-988934-20091103033502

Sorry for putting this off for so long, it seems like I can only review when I'm about to pass out from exhaustion, trying at any other time will just get me distracted by the wonders of the internet.

Because this story has advanced fairly far, I'm going to do a critique for each chapter or three, I'll list them as I go along. I'll do an extra long one, long enough to be its own article xD.

Chapter One
First off, I like the way of how you started the story, giving us a vivid description of the blood running in Folgrim's mind then having wake up to realize it was only a dream. Also, having him sneak out of the dormitory, trying not to wake the others shows alot of character development since Luke the Warrior. He seems to be more civilized since the book and a little less...insane...

I also like it that you kept the affection between Chugger and Folgrim, always very touching when a babe and a formerly savage otter have a firm friendship with each other.

Criticisms:

Your phrases are sometimes off, the part in which he watches Chugger sleep, it's: ...sleeping peacefully in a bed that made the babe seem smaller than he actually was."

Although I said that the character development of Folgrim is a good thing, the way you have him talking to Martin makes him seem like he was raised in the abbey, plus he's an otter, more nautical twang and accents for them! Also try not to refer to Martin too much as the mouse too often, makes Martin seem either very disconnected from the story or just a side character.

Your dialogue also needs some reformatting, I noticed several times that you used the  :   symbol to denote when someone is about to speak, that is a common mistake, but the right way to denote it is with a comma.
 * ‘’“Folgrim turned to Martin suddenly, and asked,”’’

Another thing with the dialogue is that, you have the speech next to the other characters, I've helped you correct a small portion (along with some other corrections):


 * ''“I heard Columbine talking about needing some help in the kitchens on my way out, better help her before Gonff and his cronies come and decide that breakfast looks better on the kitchen walls.”
 * ''He helped Folgrim up and the two friends walked toward the abbey. :Suddenly, Folgrim turned to Martin and asked, “Martin, did you ever fall in love?”
 * ''Martin gave a quizzical look and thought a moment before replying, :“After the wounds I received battling the wildcat, Tsarmina, I don’t remember much of my past anymore. But I think I did at one point. What's up with the question? Did you ever fall in love Fol?”
 * ''Folgrim was quicker with his answer. “Yes. That’s how I got my wounds.”
 * ''Martin blinked at him. “Why don’t you tell me what happened?”
 * ''Folgrim nodded.

It's easier for the mind to read when the dialogue comes after the character who spoke it on the same sentence, not on the next sentence, next to the other character. (Exceptions to this for example are arguments where two or more characters are going at it alternatively, then you don't need the names as the dialogue will become sequential then.

Also, transitioning also needs some work, you have Folgrim and Martin talking in the orchard to them working in the kitchen. Although it doesn't require a great deal of detail, it still would be smoother if you mentioned that they actually headed towards the kitchens to help Columbine. This is purely my opinion, but one thing I don't get is, why is Lady Amber included in the list?

Seems slightly odd since she, essentially, has nothing to offer Folgrim, but her friendship with Skipper.

Chapter Two
Heehee, the mischievous Dibbuns, never can resist a good story, especially if its by a otter. Their tales are always good with lots of sword swinging and vermin flaying moments xD

I like the names you have chosen for the characters in this story, Tina Dawnshadow sounds like a pretty name befit for an pretty otter and War Queen Asomdeus is likewise, sounding like a character of venomous and deadly traits.

Another one of my favorite things about this chapter like how much pepper you put into Tina's personality, spitting at the War Queen and generally disrespecting her in front of her minions. I can't wait to see how she develops even more when she makes her escape with Folgrim.

Criticisms:

Try to connect sentences, it really disrupts the flow of the story everytime you have periods at the end or if you don't have comma's at the right places. Here's a small portion which I've corrected, but can be found in more paragraphs than this:

''A band of vermin hiked up a hill towards an tree enclosed area, dragging along a unconscious otter. When they had reached their destination, they dumped the beast besides a tree, chained his footpaws in shackles, and then wrapped the remaining length of chain around a tree. A pretty female otter, chained in the same fashion, waited for the Vermin to step into a tent before dragging herself toward the injured otter. She stroked his face, wishing that she had herbs that she could use to help heal him. The otter woke groggily and blinked at her.''

Also, with the above paragraph, I would like to point out something else. You have alot of words telling about alot of things, but the one thing you are lacking is details and emotion. You have vermin dragging A otter up A hill, then chaining him next to A tree before going into A tent. It gets really hard to read sometimes when there is nothing specific. What kind of hill? Steep, wooded, grassy? What type of tree? Oak, beech, pine? Where did the tent come from, out of thin air or was it nearby? As for the emotions, for example:

'' ‘I am War Queen Asmodeus! Leader of the Torturers! If you speak to me speak with respect scum!’ Tina’s mouth was bleeding but she spat out insolently, ‘Alright, respectful scum!”’ Asmodeus was about to give full force of her wrath at Tina...”''

You don't give any indication of the reaction on Asmosdeus's face, just that she was about to rain wrath upon Tina

Plus, vermin is not capitalized unless it is the name for an individual character. You only capitalize if it’s a person, place, or notable object.

One really really important thing which you sorely missed from this chapter was the torture scene of Folgrim or the references to it. It just went from: "He was dragged in, he was dragged out". What happened in between? Did he yell aloud in anguish? Was he tight-lipped, if so, did he have a determined look on his face?

I suggest re-writing this chapter again as you are missing quite alot of details and there are spelling errors. Also, if you have the time, try to proofread each of your chapters before publishing, you can spot way more errors by yourself instead of having me point it out for you.

Chapter Three to Six
Well now, that's quite a twist. Tina and Folgrim are fighting each other instead of trying to escape, interesting...heh heh heh. I love it when the good characters fight each other, makes for a good break instead of good fighting evil all the time. I mean what's wrong with eating bugs? They taste pretty good if you cook and season them right, especially crickets, they taste quite almondly. Good job with the dialogue as well.

Aww, they forgave each other, how sweet xD

Hmm, so that's the reason why Tina is where she is now, to prove herself to her un-encouraging father, but it was harsh of him to push her away in the first place, what kind of good father is that? Proclaiming one daughter over the other and calling the surviving daughter a coward, in front of everyone. Nice little background story though.

Ah I was wondering about that; if Folgrim and Tina fell in love, what about Daroc? It would be very awkward if they ever met again. But it’s nice to see that little future problem solved by a gruesome death. Hehehehe.

Criticisms:

My usual rant about grammar, word usage, punctuation, and detail.

The shift from Chapter Three to Chapter Four is kinda off. I find it odd how Folgrim and Tina go from having at it at each others necks to forgiving each other in a cheesy way, well maybe not cheesy, just unusually quick. There is no hesitation, no pausing due to conflicted feelings normally caused by arguments. It's like fight, forgive, forget, WHERE'S THE DRAMA?!? lol

Also in Chapter Three, try not to use hork and probably. Hork disrupts the flow the story while probably implies that the author has no idea why his/her character stopped doing a particular action. Here is my version:

”Folgrim had stopped vomiting, mostly because there was nothing left for his stomach throw up."

Chapters Five is ok, but could use a little more work. In Five, where Tina's mother is cutting in, it should be a comma instead of a ; Also, always remember to capitalize after every period or the start of every name. But certain things don't need to be capitalized such as the gender of the character, Male is just male.

I don't mean to be insulting or rude, but honestly, Chapter Six is just plain....awful. I mean the plot idea is right, but everything else is just... It's like you just got really lazy and didn't bother even re-reading what you wrote.


 *  'you're no use to the Torturers any more,Tina Dawnshadow.' Tina sheiled her head with her arms,waiting to feel death claim her .he was about to swing the death blow,that would have finished Tina,when Folgrim,woke up. with a roar of fury he lunged at Rathenghar knocking the sword out of his paw. Rathenghar gave a cry of shock as Folgrim ,pinned him to the ground and punched him for all he was worth,then he flung the pine martin away from him,saying:
 *  'go. go now or i'll kill you!'Rathenghar fled,thinking to himself: 'oh no Folgrim..you will be killed.' Folgrim turned to Tina"

You're not spacing between periods, punctuation is going out the window, and grammar is following. Come on, I know you can do better than this.

Chapter Seven
I really feel for Folgrim and Tina, what they are going through, the hate coursing through them at Asmodeus and her followers. Makes one want to jump into the story and liberate them right then and now. Sweet poem too, the one line that repeats really helps with the (somewhat off, but good) rhythm.

Wait...what...? NOOO, you killed Tina!!! How could you?? Especially after Folgrim had declared his feelings for her through his willingness to give up his holt location. I really hope that you have equally, if not, more nasty death in store for Asmodeus, Tina must be avenged! (Later in the story I hope =D)

Lol, the Fires of Inle made me chuckle, it was such a random, but logical thing for her to say.

Criticisms:

Details, details, details!

In the first few sentences, you have Tina telling Folgrim about her birthday present to him asking her to sing a song, what made him want a song? It's all very sudden, something that keeps occurring in your past chapters.

One slight correction to a line,

"Tina obliged, singing a song that her mother had taught her in the bygone seasons,"

A really major major point of this chapter review is: HOW DID FOLGRIM ESCAPE?!?

You have him in the Torturers camp one minute screaming his lungs off, the next he's hobbling along to Tungro who happened to be outside. WHAT HAPPENED?

Also, when referring to characters, it's ok for them to be called by their nicknames when they are speaking or being spoken to/by other characters, but when narrating, you have to use their full first names.

Chapter Eight
Oi, I'm starting to sympathize with Petal and Tungro. Hearing one's brother say that he'll catch his own food is bad enough, since woodlanders are generally vegetarians, but watching him file his own teeth into sharp points is just plain shocking. Great job with describing Folgrim's self-mutilation of his teeth and mind, you've really set the mood quite well for this chapter.

Criticisms:

Details and proper grammar and punctuation please!

Also a phrase correction for the first sentence:

"Tungro sat beside Petal on the bank again, listening to her report with a look of distaste, yet fascination written on his face."

Another thing I would like to point out is that you really rushed finishing Folgrim's past. You state things of the impossible (which is fine), but you don't give any insight of how it happened nor do you separate different parts of the plot into their own paragraphs.

"Folgrim, remembered as he set off what had happened after Tina had died. he'd snapped the chains as though they where threads and had killed every vermin in that camp.afterword, he had made a raft and lined it with blossoms, and placed Tina on it, he had retrieved her sword and placed it in her paws.he had however removed the silver, leaf shaped amulet, and placed it on his own neck. then he had found the nearest river and placed the raft with Tina on it, as was custom with otters, when honouring a hero's body..he knew he did not deserve this same funeral as he watched the raft drift away. he had suffered a lot of wounds from the vermin when he'd attacked them and was weak.. when he'd returned to the camp, he was so hungry he ate the body of Azmoeduss, then fallen unconcsious..then he's journied back to his holt..such was the Past of Folgrim."

Folgrim's submission to BloodWrath like rage and subsequent fight can be it's own paragraph. Him giving Tina a proper funeral can be another (you can go in depth of the significance of the ritual to otters and to Folgrim). In the same paragraph, you can also expand your reason as to why Folgrim does not deserve a similar funeral.

Another thing is that you have Folgrim come back to camp sorely wounded and weak, yet you also state that his exhaustion was due to his fight, so, where did he get the energy to give Tina otter funeral? And the last absolute question for this chapter is: How did Asmodeus die? Considering all the evil she's done, I was expecting something a little more....gruesome and descriptive.

Chapter Nine
Hmm, that Leaf seems to be a eccentric character already, always wearing a hood to keep up a grim reaper type of masquerade. Interesting maid of an otter...

Wow, even at this early stage, Redwall is already under threat from siege of a vermin horde leader, do they ever get a break? Can't wait to see when the siege and battles of Redwall start.

Lol, the way Rang keeps going on about asking for advice from the to be wise makes him sound like a broken record player. Heehee...

Criticisms:

Hate to say this repeatedly, but you have to PROOFREAD your chapters! For each one! As many times as needed! Until you have fixed all the mistakes YOU can find!

Also, you have to work on your transitioning, you have it switching from Keyla in Noonvale to Folgrim on the Redwall ramparts to the fox in the woodland. It's getting really confusing to follow. In addition, there are several holes I would like to point out.

"Rang loved challenges..they sharpend his mind and made him more experienced. Rang was never afraid to ask for advice..this made him wise..and deadly!"

Asking for advice does not necessarily mean that one is wise, it just means that he is asking for suggestions on what to do and is taking into consideration other people's opinions and it certainly does not make him deadly. Deadliness is defined as causing or tending to cause death and if asking for advice is deadly, then we are all murderers by that right.

 'When i have succesfully taken over this abbey, i will keep their leader alive, so she may teach me of the world as she has seen..yes, i will keep their old abbess alive.' 

How does Rang know she's an abbess, all Krark said was that their leader was a frail old wheelchair-bound mouse. Be consistent please.

Chapter Ten
Wonderful! You took your time to write this chapter and it really shows! The situation is grave, yet the humor is light and fits well. And Folgrim got a new squirrel friend! Hooray! ^_^. Brakfurl sounds like a formidable ally to have.

Criticisms:

Just leave a message on my talk page if you want the full criticism, I'm thinking you are quite tired of my criticisms by now, so I won't do it for the last chapter unless you want me too.

Spelling Corrections
Just misspelled words I've found over the course of my reading that needs to be fixed:


 * Cooly = Coolly
 * Unconcious = Unconscious
 * Sheiled = Shielded
 * Commannd = Command
 * Havn't = Haven't
 * Unballancing = Unbalancing
 * Hobbeling = Hobbling
 * Strangly = Strangely
 * Reahed = Reached
 * Thats = That's
 * Politly = Politely
 * Opposit = Opposite
 * Afterword = Afterward
 * Honouring = Honoring (US Spelling)
 * Journied = Journeyed
 * Coul = Could
 * Towrds = Towards
 * Theres = There's
 * Decended = Descended
 * Immeadietly = Immediately
 * Shuld = Should
 * Cutless = Cutlass
 * Seige = Siege
 * Sharpend = Sharpened
 * Bounderies = Boundaries
 * Noddded = Nodded
 * Boobed = Bobbed
 * Unexpectidly = Unexpectedly
 * Succesfully = Successfully
 * Converstion = Conversation
 * Disapear = Disappear

Oh boy, this is the longest review I have ever written, took me several days actually to read and analyze your story, thank god it's not longer than it is xD

Overall, I say that you have the right plot idea, but you lack the skills of proper english writing to express your idea clearly and smoothly. Just keep working at it and you will improve in no time!


 * Your reviewer,
 * Zaran