User blog comment:Snowstripe the Fierce/The Spearmaid/@comment-7662967-20150712220644

I like that you're going to write a fanfic about Spearlady Gorse! I've wanted to write on about her, but am busy with 'Accused' and then 'Tears of the Ocean' and all.

Poor old Patchpaw .. he's so funny. I like how he and Gorse are such good friends!

I will say one thing you could improve on, and that's the spacing. Having all the sentences clumped together makes it very hard to read (I did the very same thing at first, but it's defiantly something that's good to fix ;3 )

I'll give you and example from chapter 1. Instead of this:

"Slow down now, Gorse." Ceteruler warned her.The badgermaid gave him a flash of annoyance. The two walked into the mountain. She dropped her quiver for her lances, spears, and javelins on the floor. Although her father often did worry too much about her, she knew he only meant it for the best. After all, he did have a right to worry about her, as he did a right to everyone in the mountain of Salamandastron, being its Badger Lord. As she was about to find her good friend Patchpaw, her father caught up with her. “I’m sorry for worrying about you so much back there, but I feel a need to after all, I am your father. Do you understand?” Gorse quickly nodded her head. “Now, how about we see your mother? I believe she’s in the kitchen helping Aunt Berchy. Come on, now.” Gorse’s mother, Clea, was a very pretty badger. She liked to think that she looked a bit like her. As they walked in the many corridors, they were soon stopped by Starbright. He was a seasoned hare, having been in the mountain’s forces for countless seasons. “M’Lud, we just finished our patrol of the outer perimeter. I’ve relieved some of our sentries, put up new ones, and just organized another patrol of the inner perimeter.” he said briskly.

do this ;) :

"Slow down now, Gorse." Ceteruler warned her.

The badgermaid gave him a flash of annoyance. The two walked into the mountain. She dropped her quiver for her lances, spears, and javelins on the floor. Although her father often did worry too much about her, she knew he only meant it for the best. After all, he did have a right to worry about her, as he did a right to everyone in the mountain of Salamandastron, being its Badger Lord. As she was about to find her good friend Patchpaw, her father caught up with her.

“I’m sorry for worrying about you so much back there, but I feel a need to after all, I am your father. Do you understand?”

Gorse quickly nodded her head.

“Now, how about we see your mother? I believe she’s in the kitchen helping Aunt Berchy. Come on, now.”

Gorse’s mother, Clea, was a very pretty badger. She liked to think that she looked a bit like her. As they walked in the many corridors, they were soon stopped by Starbright. He was a seasoned hare, having been in the mountain’s forces for countless seasons.

“M’Lud, we just finished our patrol of the outer perimeter. I’ve relieved some of our sentries, put up new ones, and just organized another patrol of the inner perimeter.” he said briskly.

It just breaks the dialog and thoughts up bit, and makes it much easier to read and get into ;) Still, I like your basic ideas and plot, and I'll keep reading :)