Thread:SalemtheCruel/@comment-2142396-20120601141106

Hi! I've read your story "Sisters, but they aren't" as you've asked. All at all, you are doing well, I like the characters and the plot. However, there are some things I'd fixed if I were you: 1. Dialogue formatting. In first chapters especially, author's words and direct speach are often parted, like:

"MAMA!" Redwood screamed, waking. Slicktail ran in, "Whot's the matter?" She said as she held the shaking Redwood close.

I think it would be easier to read like this:

"MAMA!" Redwood screamed, waking. Slicktail ran in. "Whot's the matter?" She said as she held the shaking Redwood close.

2. In the latest chapters, you do use italics for heros' thoughts, but in the first ones you don't 3. In your story, Alkanet is infirmary keeper, but at the end of the book she became Assistant Cellarkeeper after handing the job down to Egburt and Floburt. So at least mention her returning to her job. 4. You call Redwood and Scirius 'escaped prisoners' in chapter 5, but they weren't hold prisoners 5. A bit of personal opinion about the fight in chapter 5. It's possible for two beast to defeat six others, but I doubt it'll be so easily. If I were you, I'd give the battle more details or at least mention that one of the squirrels was wounded. Hope my tips were useful. Good luck with the rest of the story! 