User blog comment:SaynaSLuke/Four Warriors Cometh/@comment-1427879-20151211220101

I finally finished it! I got the chance to start going through it sometime last week and finally finished it today. Like you said, there was a great improvement from TWB and even throughout the story. Overall, I found it to be a very interesting take on characters and events, and I liked some of these aspects more than others. I found it interesting how some characters who were fairly major in the original, such as Gonff, had very minor roles in this one, and vice versa, though, given your OCs and changed story lines, these made sense. There were also a few typos, misused words, and other grammatical issues throughout; also in your battle scenes there's an overuse of exclamation points. I also noticed a heavy use of telling instead of showing, but that's something that improves with more writing and, with all you've done since this, I bet you already have.

Now, for more specific comments. I found Redfarl's age confusing, at least for the first half of the story. She seemed really young, maybe six or so, but then around the time of the quest she seemed much older, until she settled into a teenager for the rest of the story.

The attack on Noonvale and the jumps around that were confusing. It seemed like they were being attacked one moment and in slavery the next.

One aspect that I noticed throughout was a subtle almost dehumanization (if you know what I mean) of the horses. I think this is due to your background with horses, where humans are close to horses, but they are the owners and riders. That dynamic bled through a few times, which was unfortunate, because otherwise I do feel like the horses added a lot to the story. It was just small things such as others speaking for them and a few other instances, but it was something I noticed.

I enjoyed the poems/prophecies and I felt that you wove them in really well for the most part. That's something I struggle with in my own stories, so I applaud you for that. There were a few inconsistencies, however. In the beginning of FWC, the Mossflowerians kept talking about the golden ones, and it was unclear until late in the story that only two of the four marked ones were even supposed to be golden. The prophecy, however, only hints that Martin is gold, much less that he and Sayna are gold. Also, Redfarl said that in the prophecy the high queen's name is supposed to be Sayna, but this is never mentioned in the actual prophecy. Besides, that well done! The prophecy for the next one definitely looks interesting.

Roderick's role in this one was interesting, almost too black and white, but spot on in other regards. I did feel when he blamed the Vohs and caused their injuries/death on the ship that the reactions weren't quite appropriate? The Vohs never protested or reacted until they were actually getting beaten which felt a little odd to me.

There were also a few inconsistencies in the narrative about Whegg and Regina's first meeting and then again in the reunion, but I didn't feel like that was a huge deal.

The Salamandastron scene was pretty great. I was excited when they got the ship because I was anticipating a happy/bittersweet reunion with Rose...and then I remembered that she was on the verge of death...oops. But the reunions later on were still pretty good.

Back in Mossflower, I felt that the party idea was pretty cliche, but the execution worked well. Also the scene afterward with everyone following each other was ridiculous but on a very amusing level.

Overall, in this one, the spiritual side of things had a lot bigger aspect with the prophets and the dark ones, as well as more interaction with Lord Ignasa and Malimore. I definitely enjoyed this! These things can be handled really cheesily in literature and while it verged on that a few times, I thought for the most part it added a lot to the story. As a Christian myself, I noticed a lot of references which I think added to the enjoyment.

While Sayna being adopted was hinted at the whole story, I feel like the reveal was lacking. I understand her reaction to a certain extent, but on another level, it felt almost condemning of adoptions in general? This could probably be changed with just a few word changes, but it might be important to do.

Like others have mentioned, I did get some Rapunzel/Tangled feels from the Icetor flowers and the hair. Different of course, with nasty side effects hinted at in the end, so I'm interested to see how this will develop through your stories! Also, the whole coming kings/queens, high king/queens aspect reminded me of Narnia...which is never a bad thing.

Also, small thing, but I think you spelled Keyla wrong at least four different ways? Again, not a big deal, but I thought it was amusing.

There also seemed to be some inconsistencies with Luna. With her meeting with Sandigomm and other references in this one and TWB, it seemed pretty clear that she could handle herself. But then with Ferran's last attack, you talked about how fragile/frail/nervous she was which seemed like a contradiction. (Oo, wait is Ferran coming back in the next one? That could be interesting) Also, at first I didn't really care about Luna and her potential twin, even when it turned out to be Midnightshadow, since it didn't really seem relevant. But their reunion did make me happy.

Amber was an interesting character in this one. Her bloodlust was understandable, but a bit raw, and I thought your comparison of her actions with legalism (especially contrasted with Urran Voh's) was interesting. Some of the conversions seemed almost too quick and easy, but I did like them for the most part. (Also this could be because I've been reading this over several days, but I feel like Amber nearly died saving the ermines, but actually didn't so did she die from her injuries?) Overall, I did like her character progression.

Overall, I felt like there was a lot of good character progression during this one. Martin and Sayna from unwilling allies (which sometimes made more sense than others) to trusted brother and sister (I found it amusing when they found out how they were all related there was no comment, disgust or otherwise, on this relationship, just worry about Martin and Rose being incest), for instance. Sayna herself had some interesting character development. I though the general "not like other girls" mindset about her shared by several characters was pretty problematic, but otherwise I found myself identifying with her quite a few times. I didn't understand why her past vow seemed to have so much hold over her, but enjoyed seeing her fight past that, sacrifice herself for Timbal, and then fight for Mossflower. As for her relationship with Timbal, I enjoyed it! Though I felt it moved too fast from "oh he/she is kind of interesting" to "I must show my love and die for him" and then "marriage", I did like their interactions. And the proposal was great even if it was a little fast.

As for other relationships and characters, I felt that Rose and Martin matured a lot, both separately and together, during this one which was great. I enjoyed the terrible trio; they added a lot of sometimes needed amusement to the story. The relationships between the three were great as well with Redfarl and Brome's easy friendship, Amyl's awkward flirting with Brome, and Redfarl and Amyl's frenemy type thing. Nicely done. Gingivere and Sandigomm was another one where it moved a bit fast, and was a bit too much tell not show, but it was drastically different from the book, but still very well done!

Like Astar said, the deaths of Fragorl and Tsarmina were ironic in powerful ways and overall well done. Also, the bag of tails scene was pretty amusing.

Overall, this was a lot better than TWB and very enjoyable. (Hopefully you weren't too overwhelmed with my earlier critique). The way everything worked together had a slight Redwall feel which is interesting to me since it's so different from the plot and characters being totally reworked to the addition of magic and horses and Lord Ignasa etc. Nicely done, Sayna! I look forward to reading the sequel (hopefully quicker this time!)