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Redwall Wiki | Brian Jacques and Redwall Information
Redwall Wiki | Brian Jacques and Redwall Information

Chapter 1[]

Slagar skipped merrily through mossflower. He tripped over a rock and fell into a pile of mud. He lept up, and started playing in it.

"How could today get any better?", he shouted. A dead cockroach floated up from the mud. Slagar picked it up and ate it.

"Hey, free lunch! Wonderful, what next?", he said joyfully. Suddenly the mud sprayed everywhere and slagar found himself flat as a pancake because Gabool the Wild and his motorcycle band, "The Wild Ones", had run him over.

"Don't get in the way of The Wild Ones next time.", said Gabool. One of the others held up a pink and purple mask.

"I got yo ma-ask. I got yo ma-ask." He said. He crashed into a telephone pole and he fell down, then the pole fell down on him and everyone's electricity ran out. Angry families everywhere trampled over Slagar to get at Gabool.

"I was watching teletubbies my favorite show!"

"I was playing Call of Duty 4!"

"I was playing NHL 14 on my xBox360!", yelled the angry families that had their electricity taken. The bikers started nabbing at Gabool.

"Hey, I like teletubbies too!"

"Ain't these bikes electric?"

"When can we get lunch?"

"I have to use the crapper!!!!", they whined. Then their bikes stopped working due to the electric shortage. The angry woodlanders piled up on top of The Wild Ones and started beating them with toilet roles and rolling pins.

Slagar saw all this happening. "Us vermin need to have a council to make sure things like this never happens again!" He then types Cluny's number into his cell.

"Cluny, this is Slagar. Get all the villains quick as you can we can meet at Marshank.", said Slagar.

"As long as I can bring my lifetime supply of air with me.", said cluny. Slagar rolled his eyes.

Chapter 2[]

Ungatt Trunn and his Blue Girl Scouts marched through the woodlands. All of them had little skirts, lipstick, and tights on, and all were sad. That's why they were "blue". They had no customers to sell cookies to because everyone was beating up the Wild Ones. Ripfang's cell rang.

"Hello? Oh, it's for u Ungatt.", he said. He handed Ungatt the phone. Doomeye pointed and laughed.

"Haha, Ungatt doesn't have a phone!" Some of the other girl scouts held their breath. Ungatt pouted.

"Because my daddy Mortspear doesn't think im responsible enough. Gimme dat phone now!", he yelled. He grabbed Ripfang's phone and shrieked into it.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?", Ungatt said.

Cluny answered."Meet at marshank and I'll buy your cookies", said Cluny.

"On my way", said Ungatt. Ungatt turned to his Blue Girl Scouts

"Hey girls, Cluny's going to buy our cookies!", he said. They all leaped with glee.

"YAAAAAYY", they screamed.

"All we have to do is meet up at Marshank", said Ungatt.

"Awwwwww" They all pouted. They hated marshank. It stunk like old socks, the bathrooms were absolutely trashed, there was no plumbing, and its inhabitants were annoying.

"Fire up the minivan Rippie!", said Ungatt. Ripfang hopped in and unlocked all the doors. There were so many girl scouts that there were 8 doors in the van.

"I call shotgun!", shouted Doomeye.

Chapter 3[]

The minivan tore through the woodlands.


"Why are christmas carols playing... it is in July!", said Doomeye.

"CHRISTMAS IN JULY OMMMIGOOSSSHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", screamed Ungatt who jumped up and down joyfully. He banged his head on the ceiling, made a wildcat size hole, and crumpled in a bawling heap infront of Doomeye.

"WAAAAHHH GETTTT MOMMYYYYYY I HAS BOOBOO", said Ungatt. The minivan stopped and Ripfang got out to get Ungatt's dad. Mortspear dropped from a tree.

"Ungatt Trunn! You is in big trouble young man! I told you, no driving until you learn to go two days without crying for me! Your record is 29 seconds.", said Mortspear. Ungatt pouted and followed his father home.

"Well, that retard is gone now. Thank goodness.", said Ripfang. The started the van and he started going to Marshank.

Chapter 4[]

Vilu Daskar and his surfer dude vermin were totally just being cool when suddenly.

"an i was liek Bebbeh bebbeh bebbeh OOOO bebbeh bebbeh bebbeh OOOO thought you allus be MIIINNNEEEE" came from Vilu's pocket. It was his ringtone.

"AHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH duudddee" Laughed all of his crew.

"Shut up Bullflay!", shouted Vilu. "Yus..?" He answered his phone.

"It's Slagar. You need to get your surfers to Marshank there is a meeting happening and Cluny is going to buy Ungatt's awful cookies made of Blobfish toenails (google it)"

"Whoaaaaa totally kewl! I am coming!", said Vilu and he headed his surfer crew towards Marshank.

"Whoa, no flipping way! Cluny is gunna eat Ungatt's sludge? We soooo have to see it.", said Bullflay.

Sable Quean and her stereotypical teen girl gang were harming preschoolers.

"And don't you like bratwursts come like 'round here like again!", screamed Sable Quean.


They all laughed at Sable Quean.

"Wuuuttt its my ringtone gurrlllll", said Sable Quean. Then she picked up here phone.

"Whaaattt is ittttttt", she asked.


"come to Marshank we have to totally meet up and liek watch Cluny eat Ungatt's unidentifiable slop.", said Vilu on the phone.

"OMIGOSH yusss u surfers are totally HOTTT", said Sable Quean and she hang up and head her gang toward marshank.

chapter 5[]

Sawney Rath and his gangster vermin were playing with rifles and innapropriate items when suddenly a gangster hip-hop song started playing. Gruven tackled Sawney.

"That song is AWESOME it's Li'l Wayne! YAYY!" He screamed. Sawney answered his phone.

"Yo sup homie is time you get down to marshank wit yer team an watch Cluny eat Ungatt's pelican snot.", said Vilu, pretending to be gangster.

"Im coming brutha see you der", said Sawney.

"Should we tell Ruggan Bor?", asked Rawback.

"No. He and his rival gang will MISS OUT! >:D", said Sawney

Meanwhile, back with Ripfang and his minivan...

The van drove through cold and hot, rain and sun, hail and snow, and other horrible and good conditions, and cool music plays, like the kind that would play if you trudge through a forest on a movie, and a narrator with a batman voice is saying all of these things when suddenly...

Doomeye jumps out of the car.

"Hey, enough with the montage! It sucks! Batman is a terrible narrator! The music sounds like they are using somebodys nostrils as a trumpet! I have had enough with this!", he shouted.

"Alright fine. You guys suck anyways and I'm underpaid", said Batman voiced narrator as he stomped away.

chapter 6[]

Cluny and his horde trudged through jungles on their way to Marshank. Fangburn had the map held upside down.

"Uhh, just keep going straight chief. I think Marshank is straight ahead, all we have to do is cross that compass rose and we are there.", he said. Cluny slapped him.

"You idiot! The compass rose arrow is facing away from marshank so OBVIOUSLY we cannot reach it if we go through the compass rose! We have to travel arou.... wait the map is upside down! YOU FOOL!!! You're fired", said Cluny. Fangburn pouted.

"But chief...", said Fangburn.

"No butts! I have had enough with your butt! You never ever wash it!", said Cluny. Fangburn rolls his eyes.

"you know how stinking in public makes me feel beautiful.", he said. Cluny punches him.

"Go! You're fired remember! GOO!!!!!!", he screamed. Fangburn runs away bawling.

Meanwhile Slagar is...

Skipping merilly through the same jungle as cluny was.

"I am so happy. Marshank is an awesome place. The inhabitants are annoying, the bathrooms have been completely trashed, and there was no plumbing." Slagar hated plumbing.

"Last time I met a plumber, he cheated me and asked for 0.001235821% more than he should have asked for as pay that I was supposed to give him for fixing my sink! They are terrible people, those plumbers are", he ranted. He didn't feel so happy anymore.

Chapter 7[]

A bunch of plumbers under command of Damug Warfang are marching through the same jungle as Cluny and Slagar.

"I am so happy. We cheated the fox with the mask for 0.001235821% more than what he should have paid us. We are so rich!", said Bluggach.

"Hey what's that up ahead..?", asked Lugworm.

"It is a fat rat with a cape and some other people", said Vendace. Borumm agreed.

"Let's kill them, cause we are Mafia Plumbers", said Borumm.

"Yeah! ATTACK!!!!!!", yelled Damug Warfang. Lots of Plumbers started attacking Cluny's horde. Then all the plumber phones rang and...

"YOU GUYS SUCK @^@%&$^%@6%!&*(*&@*$2675^@$&#^%&^%$@&^^*@*Y&*%&^$@%&^!!!!" Was yelled into the phone. It was Slagar. All the plumbers cried. Then Slagar stumbled onto the battlefield and tripped over Cluny's life-time supply of air and broke it. Cluny began strangling Slagar.

"My mommie gave me that!!!!!!!!!!!!!", he yelled. Then a bunch of surfer dudes ran into the field.

"Wwwhhhhooooaaaaaaaa dddduuuuuuuddddessssssss wus dis?", asked Vilu. A plumber with a wrench attacked Vilu, but the surfer bashed his surf-board over the plumber's head. Then a minivan ran Cluny and Slagar over and out stepped Ripfang, Doomeye, and all of Ungatt Trunn's girl scouts.

"CLUNY BUY US COOKIES NAO", yelled the girl scouts. The pancake that used to be Cluny said.

"Mmmmhmmm hmmmm mhmmmhmmhmhmmmm!!". It was very muffled because Cluny was all flat. The girl scouts piled the foul cookies all over Cluny and then suddenly...

Chapter 8[]

Santa Claus being carried by a Batman Narrator ran into the fray.

"BATTERANGS!!!!!!!", yelled Batman. Santa threw a present at Doomeye, who opened it. Inside was a batterang.

"It truly is Christmas in July!", said Ripfang.

"No, I am Robin. I dressed up as Santa for Halloween and I went trick-or-treating but instead I gave everyone candy because I was pretending to be Santa and I just never took off the costume.", said Robin or Santa Claus, or Santa Robin.

Vilu was confused. "Wait.... so you were Santa for Halloween, and now you've had that suit on for 8 Months..?", he asked.

"Yes I never EVER take it off. Not even to...", started Santa Robin, but Vilu cut him off.

"Eww, that's gross. Well I don't want to ever touch that thing.", he said. Then a bunch of teen girls ran in.

"OMG it's like Santa..... Robin..?", said Sable Quean "OMG its like, reallllyyyyy hot surfers!".

"Yus I know I'm super hot", said Vilu.


Chapter 9[]