Holding (neglecting) a project and starting another. I'm terrible.
This is my journey I have decided to take up. It's what I feel I must do. After... a grueling debate with my love, we've come to terms... I'd take Oxford with me-- my youngest son, and we will leave. I had to promise I'd allow her visits and see her once in awhile. Behind the smile of compromise and happiness, deep inside I felt... shredded. How could I keep up with my side of the bargain? Will I? How will my children feel?
It's been awhile since my father has passed. There's been no Lord of Salamandastron. I can feel his essence calling me there. I can feel the responsibility to leave my home. I feel eager like a youngster about it all. I've known for awhile that one day I'd take over for my father. I've waited so long to do so. I'm only just wasting away my life while he looks down on me, either disappointed or impatient himself to see me move on. There's a part of me that believes he wants me to stay with my family-- he was a family-lover. It's my thoughts on his thoughts and my own that makes this hard on me. But... I'll do it anyways. I'm just afraid to hurt Oxford's poor heart by pulling him away, but in his eyes... I... I can see bravery and sacrifice in them.
He's more prepared about this than I am...
It's my final night at home. Tomorrow at the rise of dawn, Oxford and I will finally depart. To just write this is excruciating. My lover has watched me slash away at the parchment, blotting ink packed with a meaning deeper than the color. She knows I'll be leaving once the sun throws its eager rays onto the land it warms each day. Her eyes burn into me, and my heart hurts. It is for the future of everyone-- my family, Salamandastron, Redwall, and Mossflower in general.
My necklace has lost its twinkle from the seasons of being neglected. My thirst for war died when time had set itself back together and allowed us to continue writing our stories. From time-to-time I can see it sparkle with a gleam, letting me know it is still there for me. I feel as if its energy tries to draw me away from home in search of Salamandastron, in search for a way to soothe its inactivity.
Ambrook has been counting down the days until we'd leave. She's been with me all the time. She's afraid to lose me, and... I'm afraid to leave her. To just pack up and leave her behind, after the seasons we've been together, the youngsters we've had? It sounded diabolical to myself every time I thought of it in my mind. Dinner last night was a feast just with the six of us. Some fellows from Redwall even trekked all the way over to my home to say goodbye and bring gifts. Ol' Felix came by and broke down into utter tears, and together as brothers, we sobbed together. He whispered to me words I can hear clearly as they ring through my head: "Remember me, Lekota... Please, mate..?"
Ambrook waits for me in bed, obviously yearning me to be close to her one last night before I leave. I'll put the quill down and write another day. For now, I want to be with my love one last time. One last time before I may never see her again... It hurts to write that because I know that I can't keep my promise...